WHY I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE ’20 SOMETHING’ NOW

silent crowd at starbucks

Take a good look at this picture of a group of 20 somethings at Starbucks this morning.  I watched and photographed them for several minutes, during which time not one of them looked up or even acknowledged one another.  Welcome to 2015.  I would not want to be their age for anything right now.  Why?

1. I wouldn’t be able to talk to my friends as conversation now is done primarily via thumbs. (The last time I actually used mine was to hitchhike).

2.  I would never feel the heart-palpitating anticipation of waiting days for handwritten letters from someone I love.  (Instead, I could ‘hook-up’ or ‘break-up’ instantly via Facebook.)

3. I wouldn’t be able to get the 6 o’clock News in one, nicely, digestible, half hour. (It would bombard me 24/7 on Twitter.)

4. I couldn’t say the bill ‘got lost in the mail, ‘ as it would be sent directly to my Inbox.

5. I couldn’t have a wild time at that private party knowing it would stay private. (By morning, my hat dance routine would be viral on Instagram.)

6. My boredom tolerance would be zero, my curiosity likely non-existent and my sense of allegiance to country, place and home not even a memory.  (Now, thanks to politicians and lawyers, I can’t say the Pledge of Allegiance but can read Lolita– just not the Bible– in class.)

7. Most anything I say would be politically incorrect. (Now I would either have to pretend to like everybody– no matter how wacky– or simply remain mute.)

8. I would neither be able to remember nor mourn my innocence. (Thanks to the Internet it would never exist.)

9. My moral compass would be all screwed up. (Instead of making a bowl of popcorn for the movie, I might well, ‘smoke a bowl’ instead.)

10. I would likely still be living with my parents! (My college degree wouldn’t get me a job and even if it did I still couldn’t afford to live on my own.)

It seems that a sense of gratitude has now been replaced with a sense of entitlement.  Many of my friends say they wouldn’t want to be younger simply because they have, “Been there.  Done that.”  Truth is I haven’t been ‘there’ or ‘done that’ at all.  And I sure wouldn’t want to be there doing it NOW. 

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HELP! I’VE FORGOTTEN MY PASSWORD AND CAN’T GET IN!

Honestly, if I have to create one more user ID or come up with one more stupid password that involves a capital letter, a number and 3 naked elves I’m gonna scream.  (Never mind.  I just did).  Took me 10 minutes searching through my 11 pages of passwords to find what I was looking for only to enter it and be told, “You changed your password 6 months ago.”  Apparently I forgot to include that one.

 Last week, I called the bank and they wanted me to answer my “secret question.”  It was so d—- secret I got it wrong and it was the name of my first pet!  It took me another ten minutes, talking with the supervisor to confirm that I indeed was ME.  By that time, I actually forgot why I called in the first place!!!

 Not only that, yesterday I rushed into the kitchen for something and just stood there.  Looked at the stove.  Stared at the cupboards.  Eyed the dish drainer.  Watered the potted plant.  Wiped down the counter.  And the whole time I kept thinking, ‘Now why did I come in here?’  An hour later while driving to the market, it came to me:  the shopping list. 

 Just this morning, I had a doctor appointment.  Now my doctor is one of those high-tech guys.  Just to be sure his patients are timely, he sends those automatic thingamajigs that go straight to your calendar.  Problem is, my computer is set to Eastern time. However, my appointment this morning was in Central time. 

 On Jeopardy tonight, one of the answers was ‘Andrew Lloyd Webber.’  Now I KNEW who he was.  I could see him.  I could even hear his voice.  In fact, I know the lyrics to ALL his songs, but for the life of me I could not come up with his name.  “That little English guy,” I finally yelled.  Minus $2,000 for me.

 It’s hard enough to remember the basics let alone a slew of convoluted passwords.  So, I just googled, “How do I remember all my passwords?”  Big mistake.  First site said I should try algorithms.  Next site suggested I devise anagrams.  Third site said to join a site that saves your passwords.  Yup.  They require a user ID and password.  At this point, I have so many of those I don’t know who I am anymore.  Witness protection here I come.  NO ONE will find me….even me.

P.S.  I’m starting to think we don’t have an Alzheimer’s epidemic at all.  We just have a whole lot of people who have forgotten their passwords!

Hudson is the author of, “Kissing Tomatoes,” now available on Amazon/Kindle.