I’VE MOVED TO SUBSTACK:
MY-O-PIC
Presently, 30% of the world is myopic. By 2050, almost 50% of us will be. That’s a staggering 5 billion people, half the world’s population! Myopia is a vision condition in which near objects appear clear, but objects further away look blurry. While one could apply this ‘short-sighted’ label to our thinking, it is an actual problem with our eyes. The blurriness is caused by eyeballs that have grown too long. In this stretched-out shape, they can’t properly focus images onto the retina.
Researchers say two culprits are to blame: the lack of outdoor play, and prolonged time doing up-close activities like using digital devices. The cure? Go outside and look far into the distance. When you do, more light enters the eye and reduces stress as well. My personal cure? Have kids. In no time, not only will they know more than you, but they will also point out everything you’re not seeing!
Until cataract surgery, I could see great close-up but far away was iffy. The doctor had asked, “Do you want to see ‘up close’ or ‘far away.’ In hindsight, his question itself was troubling. He was really asking, “Do you want to see the car that’s about to hit you or do you want to see the one that just did?” After surgery, when I was unable to read a single word on my phone, I asked him why. “Because you asked to see at a distance,” he scoffed. “I know,” I replied, “but you didn’t tell me I was going to lose all my close-up vision.” “That should have been obvious,” he said as if he’d never met anyone dumber.
Now some would say we’re all myopic, born as we are into families we don’t choose, inheriting generations-old strands of DNA with no instructions included. As we fumble along in the dark of our psyches, it’s a wonder we’ve survived at all. Sometimes we can see exactly where we’re going. More often than not though, it’s just a one foot in front of the other proposition: a blind guess.
So, take in the view every chance you get. Pictured above was mine for several days last year. I still cannot look at it without sighing. Beauty is not just in the eye of the beholder but the mind as well. As Helen Keller said, “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”
BROKEN HEART?
What does this look like to you? Me, in the tie-dyed shirt, having fun with longtime friends? If that’s your guess, you would be very wrong. I had just met the folks pictured here less than 15 minutes before this was taken. I wandered up to their pickleball court and before I could even ask to join them, they invited me in. Do your friends bring you that kind of joy? Your family?
Now that we’ve celebrated Valentine’s Day, there is another kind of heart connection to consider: Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. That’s the fancy term for “broken heart syndrome.” In 1990, a Japanese team of doctors had a female patient who’d suffered the death of her longtime spouse. Her symptoms: shortness of breath, dizziness, and weakness appeared to be those of a heart attack, but her arteries were in perfect condition. An ultrasound revealed her heart was grossly misshapen. It had ballooned at the top and shrunk at the bottom and resembled an octopus.
Upon further investigation, they confirmed this distortion of her heart was caused by severe grief and stress. They believed she’d recover and within two months, she did. What does this tell us? That our emotions and thoughts hugely affect our physical body, sometimes to disastrous effects. They can do everything from wreaking havoc on our sleep to causing cancer. Our thoughts not only light up areas in the brain, but they can also cause damage in the dark recesses of our bowels.
Your weight and cholesterol can be perfect but if someone breaks your heart? Those stats are meaningless. It is now believed that the intense pain of a broken heart is part of our survival instinct. It happens because we are meant to be in connection with others. If we’re not, we are struck by a pain that grips us to our core. Remember your first heartbreak? I do.
So, hang with people who smile when they see you coming. Draw someone new into your circle. While you’re at it, tell someone who may not even know, just how much they mean to you. It will be good for their heart and yours. The folks in this picture sure made my heart happy that day. Two years after this brief meeting, the couple in the back invited me to spend some time with them on Maui. That still warms my heart.
BE MY VALENTINE?
Today has been my favorite holiday since I was 5. That year, I was skipped into 1st grade the week before Valentine’s Day. My new teacher had stapled big red hearts across the bulletin board, each one bearing our names. I didn’t know any of my classmates yet and they didn’t know me. However, I felt very important because my name was put up right alongside theirs!
All week long, the kids slipped Valentines and chocolate treats into each other’s Valentines. Day by day I watched those paper Valentines get fatter and fatter. I was SO excited I could hardly wait to take mine down to see what was inside! Finally, the day came. The teacher took all the big Valentines down and put ours on our desk. All around me, my classmates were pulling out lollipops, sweet tarts, chocolates, and Valentine cards!
I reached into mine. There was only one, single, Valentine from my teacher along with a Hershey’s kiss but I was thrilled. How did she know that was my very, favorite candy? I ate it while walking home after school with a big smile on my face. My very first Valentine was in my pocket and my very favorite chocolate was in my mouth. It doesn’t get better than that.
Now I imagine in this politically correct world nowadays such a thing would never happen. But I wonder if it didn’t teach me that if I want to get a valentine I need to make one. In the years since I’ve made certain to always tell/show someone new that I love them. I learned all those years ago that one, little act of kindness goes a VERY long way. So, Happy Valentine’s Day dear readers!! May your coffee have a little love on top and may it keep you warm inside.
MAY THE FORCE SPIN YOU
I listened to a podcast today about the physics of throwing a football. Considering I’ve never watched a whole game on TV and only attended a live game once, this is weird. However, I was spellbound. I learned that a perfectly thrown football has a tight spiral which forces it through the air faster. Eventually, it slows down and drops, like all of us, someday. But while it is up there? It is a thing of beauty.
Professionals have long wondered what causes a football to nose downwards as it reaches the end of its trajectory. It turns out it’s neither gravity nor air resistance but rather its ‘gyroscopic motion.’ That is the tendency of a rotating body to maintain a steady direction of its axis of rotation. So, like us, a football is affected by gravity, resistance, and gyroscopic motion. And, like the quarterback, we need to find a balance between our spiral and our forward motion; too much or too little of either one and we land in the mud.
These same physical forces are at play in our thinking. ‘Gravity,’ grounds us. It is our roots and the family and community we came from, that gives us the sense of who we are. ‘Resistance’ is the trials we’ve gone through and continue to navigate. When it is too much for us, we stall or sink. Sometimes, that resistance gives us something to push against which helps us climb even higher. That ‘gyroscopic motion,’ or repetitive looping mirrors our repetitive thoughts; the ones that act like vinyl records with a scratch at 2 AM and keep us wide awake.
I wasn’t one of the 115 million people watching the Super Bowl yesterday. The sheer roughness of the game makes me wince. I resonate with Andy Griffith’s innocent description of football back in 1953. “I think the idea is for one group of guys to get all the way down that cow pasture without getting jumped on or stepping in something.” Truth is we’re all quarterbacks. We all have to make split-second decisions and read the defense right. We just need enough energy and enough spin to launch ourselves upwards and into the end zone. If we’re lucky, we’ll do it commercial-free and without being tackled. If we’re not, well, we tried.
HIGH-FIVE!
I’m gonna let you in on a little secret of mine. Every morning when I see myself in the bathroom mirror, I smile and say, “Good morning, World! You’re lucky to have me one, more day.” I even encourage my clients to do it. When I started this habit several years ago, I was being facetious. That morning as I looked at my bleary eyes and wrinkles, my main concern was figuring out how to dull or remove the mirror.
Over time, I realized that each time I said it, I started the day with more exuberance. Now I hear that author Mel Robbins has written a best-seller about giving yourself a high five every morning in the mirror! Turns out I was on to something. She researched the actual science behind it and discovered that giving yourself a high-five increases your dopamine. Studies were also done on every team in the NBA. The winningest ones actually High-Five the most times!
As you can see, I tried Ms. Robbins’ high-five in the mirror myself today and it felt a little weird. Given my eyesight, I was concerned that I might HIGH FIVE smack through the glass. Considering that 50% of men and 85% of women don’t like what they see when they look in the mirror, this self-adoration can feel intense. I’ve had several people roll their eyes when I suggest it and I can see why.
However, as we become a more isolated and withdrawn society, we still have a deep need to connect. 25% of Americans report that they have no close friends or confidants. 30% of American households are now single occupancy. This is the highest percentage in our history! What makes us human is our craving for connection. My advice? If you don’t have anyone else to connect with, connect with yourself. Whether it’s an “I’m lucky to be alive,” or a “high-five,” just do it.
The important thing is to acknowledge your worth no matter what you look like. If you can’t do that, how do you expect anyone else to? Getting older takes more fortitude than most people realize. You must be able to swallow nails a little bit at a time and smile while you digest them. For the record? Your stomach acid is indeed strong enough to dissolve those nails. That’s backed by science. So, face front and salute yourself!
P. S. Note to self: Windex bathroom mirror before taking photo.
HIGHER THAN A KITE
Lately, I’ve had a plethora of couples come for counseling. When it comes to frustration with a partner, age, apparently has no limitation. I have couples who’ve been married from two to 40-plus years. Interestingly, all of them have these three things in common:
1. They think they know each other really well, but definitely do not.
2. They blame each other for their lack of happiness as if the other is responsible for their happiness in the first place.
3. They firmly believe that there is a set way that love and romance should unfold.
Let’s be clear: How long you have known someone does not define how well you know them. Countless studies show that not only do people change over time but those closest to them are often the last to know. Why? Because their minds are fixed on who the other person used to be. They just don’t see the change. Partners also become gun-shy over time. If moments of ‘truth-telling’ failed early on, they eventually just keep quiet.
As for happiness, no one is responsible for yours but you. I grew up in the 60’s so my views of marriage came straight from TV shows like, “Andy Griffith” and “Leave it to Beaver.” And while I have since rejected those stereotypes, I still have the aprons hanging in my pantry as proof. That archaic world was an artifice that worked for some but fell apart for most.
Fortunately, today’s couples if they’re even coupling, have more latitude, independence, and equality. What they don’t necessarily have is more imagination. Many are still prisoners of the rom-com fairy tale. They believe they can tie themselves to the mast of their love ship and their ‘heart will go on.’ But it won’t. Relationships are complicated, ever-changing, and usually take a fair amount of work.
My humble advice? Imagine you and your partner are kites. To soar, you must keep enough distance between you, so your lines don’t tangle. Some autonomy is crucial. Otherwise, you’ll crash and burn. Winston Churchill said, “Kites rise highest against the wind—not with it.” So, welcome some resistance in a relationship. However, if your partner doesn’t find you awesome just as you are and gives you their parameters to follow? Move on. Someone else will. Ted Lasso said ‘impossible’ means, ‘I’m possible.’ And you are.
“EVERYTHING CHANGES. EVEN STONE” –Monet
Each year, as I inch closer to death, the more I crave life. It’s as if I know there are only a certain number of steps left on my feet so I MUST keep moving them. I dance down the aisles of the supermarket, sing at full volume, breathe in every flower in my path, and revel in meeting someone new. Nothing must get past me. Sometimes, at night I can barely sleep for fear I am missing something.
As punch drunk as I am about Life, however, I am disheartened for this 2024 world of ours. It is rife with brutes, bullies, and bombs. We have become a society of lies and legalese. Lately, we’re being pandered to by a perverse, political, Presidential scuffle between people who don’t represent our best and brightest. Supposedly, we’re a more ‘woke’ culture now, so why are we so afraid to speak our convictions? Do we even have any?
As Putin’s death march continues, the Arab-Israeli conflict rages on, Houthi rebels bomb ships in the Red Sea, and psychos continue to shoot innocents in our communities, I wonder: where are our leaders of conscience and principle? After the 1996 mass shooting in Tasmania, Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, enacted the toughest gun laws on the planet. In the 25 years since they have not had one, single mass shooting! What’s our excuse? Apparently, we’re too busy blindly following protocols. Uvalde comes to mind.
A good friend gave me this stone. It’s not just any rock but a Shiva Lingam stone found in only one place at only one time of year: the Narmada River in India. It is said to come from the debris field of a meteorite which crashed into Earth some 14 million years ago. Centuries of erosion have made it smooth and cylindrical.
Now I can’t squeeze water from this stone any more than I can add years to my life, but I can feel the weight of it in my hand. It comes from the earth I stand on and where I will one day return. It reminds me that I’m not just holding my life in my hands, I’m also holding yours. Charlie Brown was SO wise. “Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!” While I’m at it, I’ll look up at the clouds. I must just see “a duckie and a horsie.”
WANT SUCCESS IN OLD AGE? START YOUNG
You’d think given all the time we have to prepare for old age we’d be ready for it when it comes. Nope. Sometimes on a perfectly lovely day as the sun splashes its’ golden beams upon me, I suddenly picture myself really old. My voice is weak and my hands unsteady. I am so wrinkled there is no place for the wrinkles to go so they sink down into me like quicksand. Perhaps I am shuffling around a nursing home. When I get that far into the vision, I force myself to STOP thinking.
Unless one has Alzheimer’s, I cannot imagine a worse torture. If you must be cared for by strangers, not realizing who or where you are is a wonderful state to be in. I visited a facility once where an elderly man kept rushing to the front door and opened it excitedly. Each time, he asked, “Is my son here yet?” He had done this for 7 years. His son had never visited, yet he still opened that door with an exuberant sense of HOPE!
Without hope we hang ourselves or shoot others. Without hope we have nothing to lose. With nothing to lose we are willing to lose everything. Reincarnation, absolving our sins in some confessional or believing we’ll be one of the 144,000 people taken up during ‘The Rapture’ gives millions hope. Not me. I have always found it in the kindness of strangers.
The Tao says our spirituality, “is something that otherwise cannot be discussed in words.” While I believe in a higher power, I would never presume to tell an Afghani that Christ is greater than Allah or suggest to a Native American that Buddha trumps the Great Spirit. That would be an insult to God.
Teddy Roosevelt was right: “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” We all need hope, but as time passes, it gets harder to hold onto it. My personal hopes for my old age? My kids will still visit. I’ll still be sleeping in my own bed. And when my glasses can no longer help me see, some high school kid will volunteer to read to me every afternoon after school. Afterwards, I’ll regale them with stories over a plate of cookies. Is there a greater calling for either of us?
MEMORY: Real or Imagined?
We have 100 billion neurons and over 100 trillion synaptic connections in our brains. So why do we forget stuff? Because it’s not important to us. Yes, it’s that simple. I can still remember my grandmother’s phone number from 1970 (WHitney 5-6078) but couldn’t find my car keys yesterday.
Granted, the processing speed of our neurons slows down with age. So, it takes us a bit longer than 20-somethings to find those keys. But scientists say that forgetting where you put your keys isn’t a memory problem. It’s an attention problem. Our brains are hardwired to remember events from the past and make memories in the present. However, we are NOT hardwired for memorizing into the future. So, if you need to turn off the stove in 20 minutes, you’d better set a timer.
How we make a memory is fascinating. Let’s say you had a birthday party yesterday. Your pals came and played “It’s Your Birthday,” by The Beatles. You ate cherry pie and received a pine-scented candle. Your memory will contain all of those sensory elements. 10 years from now, hearing that song, eating cherry pie or just smelling pine can trigger the memory of that birthday.
After the Challenger explosion, people were given a questionnaire and asked to write down what they remembered. Two years later, they were given the questionnaire again. Almost no one remembered the explosion in the same way. Why? Because every time we relive an event, we edit it just a bit. Then, the edited version lays itself over the original memory. Over time, that edited version results in an entirely new memory! This is why two people can experience the same thing and have completely different memories of it.
Our memory is ‘sketchy’ at best. That is why so many court cases that were decided by eyewitness testimonies are now being overturned. However, you can vastly improve your memory with exercise. Exercise not only improves your mood in the moment but also changes your brain’s physiology over time. It floods the brain with neurotransmitters and enlarges both the hippocampus and pre-frontal cortex! In fact, science says a 10-minute walk will do more for your thinking than any pill. So, dump the Prevagen* and press PLAY! *https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/jellyfish-memory-supplement-prevagen-hoax-ftc-says-n704886
P. S. Look at the picture above, close your eyes and recall something that stands out. Type your response in the comments.
AGEFULLY AGING 