PEACE OUT!!

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PEACE OUT

As someone who’s often made her living entertaining others, this isolationism has been torturous. Yesterday, while standing outside Trader Joe’s in a long line, loud music began pumping in the parking lot. Prince’s, “When Doves Cry” came on and I instinctively began to dance. Now, this is not unusual behavior for me but simply how I’m wired. Even in the dentist’s chair if a song with a good beat comes on, I cannot sit still. (I imagine it’s why I was always on a first name basis with my school principals).

 As I grooved to the music, I became aware that both the person in front of and behind me were visibly wincing. Although they were each six feet away, they acted as though I might somehow splash the virus on them with my outstretched arms. So, I abruptly stopped. Moments later, a van unloaded several people in the parking lot. They looked around at all of us as if trying to decide what was going on. “Don’t worry,” I called out. “You’re in the right place. This IS the audition line for the Rockettes!” Finally. . . laughter.

 Ours is an unprecedented time. We haven’t quite figured out how to handle this invisible terror that blows through our streets. We are told to stay home and then bombarded on the TV by constantly updated death statistics. How healthy is that? Where are the Lassie re-runs? As I walk in my neighborhood now, other walkers actually cross the street to avoid coming too close to me. If I smile and wave, some respond but a few actually put their heads down and seem to hold their breath.

 I have immense empathy for the young people among us who must shut down their energetic, vibrant lives. At their age, I’d likely be building a backyard trapeze and teaching myself to juggle. Yes, this is a tragic pandemic but we must not lose our joy! Let’s help each other get more creative in finding it and count our blessings.

 Here are some of mine:

 1.  My hearing has improved! I can actually hear a sneeze or cough from about 20 yards away.

2.  My house sparkles—even under the washer & dryer.

3.  If I nap, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

In the above picture, please note that I have turned my back to you. This is for your protection.

 

WHAT, ME WORRY??

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I hope no one in my town has to pee. There’s not a store for miles with a roll of toilet paper. I just watched several, young women load up their carts with hundreds of rolls of the stuff at Wal-Mart. Some even backed their pickups up to the front door and carted off entire flats of it, along with rolls of paper towels and tubs of antibacterial wipes. Who knew that Covid-19 caused issues with THAT end?

 This sudden hysteria makes me anxious so I head to Trader Joes. I’m shocked to find the aisles jammed with people pushing baskets packed high with loaves of bread, cartons of eggs, cereal, rice, beans, peanut butter and massive amounts of frozen food. I feel as if I’m in an old episode of, “Supermarket Sweep.” I’m so terrified that someone might smack into my brand new knee that I walk gingerly with my elbows arced out wide. In this manner, I ‘hurry’ to the vegetables. Only green beans remain but as it happens, they are my favorite! At the checkout counter, I watch astonished as one woman purchases an entire shelf of chocolate bars.

 Now, I feel like a dog that has just picked up the scent of a fox. I must race against both time and my fellow citizens. Off I go to the health food store. There is not a single potato left in the bins! A young man with three bags of them in his cart, actually smacks right into the back of me and keeps going. Fortunately, I’m stopped and he hits me where I’m padded. Desperation is palpable in the very air.

 And then this happens: I lift the top of the nut bin to scoop some pistachios into a bag. However, the top will not stay open and keeps closing on my hand. I’m about to give up when an older gentleman appears at my side, takes hold of the top and says, “Go ahead. I’ve got it.” Now on a normal day, I might well have hugged him. Instead, I mumble my thanks while trying not to breathe on him.

 Remarkably, I suddenly feel as light as a slip fluttering on a clothesline. His thoughtful gesture has erased my anxiety completely. Only now do I realize it is glorious outside! I will walk in the sunshine. Kindness is clearly the ‘peace that passeth understanding.’

 

    

 

 

 

SIGNS I’VE TAKEN TOO MANY PAIN MEDS

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pt

Recently, I had my 2nd knee replaced. Considering I’d done this once before, I thought I knew what to expect. Nope.

  1. The first night in the hospital, I’m given a dinner menu. I’m surprised to even have an appetite and attribute my complete lack of pain to a masterful anesthesiologist. Since I don’t have my glasses, I peruse the colorful pictures with deep intent. I finally settle on a lovely, triangular concoction with a fan of white at the plates’ edge. I pick up the phone, dial room service and calmly ask for, “One, white swan, please.” She asks me to repeat myself. “One, white swan,” I repeat louder, thinking she must be deaf. “Um what number might that be?” she asks sweetly. Turns out it was a club sandwich with a white, folded napkin perched next to it.
  2. The next morning I decide to call a friend. I pick up the TV remote, press the center button and patiently wait for a dial tone, which never comes. Instead, the TV magically goes on! Confused, I push the button again and hold it closer to my ear. The TV goes off and still no dial tone! It slowly dawns on me that perhaps I should use an actual phone.
  3. An hour later, my nurse informs me that they, “need my bed and (I’m) well enough to go home.”   “I’m not budging,”  I say. Several minutes later, another enters and says, “It is hospital policy to discharge a patient if the doctor says it’s OK.” (That’s what I get for pretending to feel better than I do.) “No, I am staying right here,” I say firmly. Finally, a third person enters. Before he can speak, I burst into tears and scream, “I am NOT LEAVING THIS BED!   IF YOU DARE SEND ONE, MORE PERSON IN HERE, I AM CALLING THE NEWSPAPER TO TELL THEM YOU’RE THROWING AN OLD LADY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER MAJOR SURGERY!”   “Um, I’m just here to get your vitals,” he says meekly.
  4. Midway through my first week home, I develop debilitating nerve pain so intense it leaves me screaming, sweating and breathless. I up my meds. I am now binge watching a bizarrely, imbecilic TV show, which I find utterly compelling.
  5. At 2 AM, I actually thank God for, “not having a third knee because I could never go through this again.” Then it occurs to me that no one has a third knee.

I toss my meds.

P. S. Above is my Physical Terrorist. There is a reason he has a black eye.

 

HAPPY NEW DAY!!

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headphones

I have never made a New Year’s resolution. Not one. Not ever. It just feels stupid. Even as a kid I thought, ‘Why would I suddenly decide to do something for a whole year that I should probably be doing every day anyway?’ As the years passed and I watched countless friends give up on their own ‘resolutions,’ my resolve grew even stronger: “Do today what I should be doing every day. Don’t wait for January 1st!”

So, here are my daily resolutions. Maybe they will resonate with you. One thing I can promise is that if you do a little bit of the right thing every day it will add up by next December 31st.

  1.  Move. Work out, swim, walk, stand on your head or do whatever inspires you to motion. When you start the day active the rest of your hours are likely to be more productive. Oh, and it also induces better mood, deeper sleep, lowers blood pressure and reduces anxiety.
  2. Savor what goes into your mouth. Think big, green salads, vegetables, whole grains, lean meats and the panoply of delights the earth gives us. I like to think, ‘colors of the rainbow,’ when I prepare a meal. Then if you go a little haywire later, at least you already have something healthy under your belt.
  3. Answer all emails and text messages as you get them. When you do, people learn that they can count on you. Pay bills as they come in. There is no greater feeling than having nothing hanging over my head—unless it’s mistletoe.
  4. Learn something new. Today I read that octopuses can tell humans apart even when they’re dressed the same!
  5. Meet someone new or make someone smile. Often, these two go hand in hand like with the fellow pictured above. We were waiting in line at the market, so I handed him my headphones and said, “I dare you to listen to this and NOT dance.”

Life is short. Some of us won’t even have the whole of 2020 but we do have today. It says in Proverbs to, “make hay while the sun is shining.” I would add, make it even when it isn’t shining.  So with that in mind, I wish all of my curious, insightful readers on six continents not only a joyous New Year but also a spectacular New Day!

WARMING UP

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fire

Last week, my 94 year-old, friend left me this voicemail: “Helen, would you please write my obituary? And could you come over today?” Since I’ve never written one before, I looked up a few before heading to her house. Reading them made me wish I’d known the people themselves:

 “Walt was preceded in death by his tonsils and adenoids in 1936, a spinal disc in 1974, his thyroid gland in 1988 and his prostate on March 27th, 2000. His loving wife of 57 years will now be able to purchase the mink coat which he had always refused her because he believed only minks should wear mink.” –Walt Bruhl

 “Let a dog (or two or three) share your bed. Say the rosary while you walk them. Go to a nursing home and kiss everyone. Invite new friends to Thanksgiving dinner.”—-Mary Mullaney

 “He despised phonies, know-it-all Yankees and Southerners who used the word “veranda.” He particularly hated Day Light Saving Time, which he referred to as The Devil’s Time. It is not lost on his family that he died the very day that he would have had to spring his clock forward. This can only be viewed as his final protest. –Harry Stamps

 Joe Heller told his family, “Just dig a hole in the backyard and roll me in.”  His daughter, however, wrote him a funny send off, detailing things like, “He left his family a house full of crap and 300 pounds of birdseed.” She recalled that his doctor approached her towards the end of his life and informed her that he was, “a very sick man.” “You have no idea,” she countered.

 “I was given the gift of life and now I have to give it back. This is hard but I was a lucky woman and for that I am grateful. And on that upbeat note, I take my mortal leave of this rollicking, revolving world—this sun, that moon and the memory of a child’s hand in mine.” –Jane Lotter  

I would not need any of these for inspiration, for when I arrived at her house, she was not up to the task. Days later she was in hospice. Then in a breath, gone. Words said after the fact can’t take the place of those spoken while we are still here. Tonight, warming by the fire, I remember this: she made me laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

ARE YOU YEARS YOUNG….OR OLD??

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Lani

I met this lovely gal at Trader Joe’s this morning. She was such a knockout in all blue that I asked her to, “Stand right where you are because I MUST take your picture!” She had just finished her 2 ½ mile daily walk, was grabbing some groceries then headed off to one of her two part-time jobs. Her gait was lively, her smile quick and her enthusiasm for life, palpable. Lani is a force and I was inspired not just because of her person but her chronological age. Can you guess it?

One of the best things about aging is that we’ve had years to learn that not only can you not judge a book by its’ cover, you can’t count on the cover to even give you a book. We make a lot of assumptions about others that are wrong and it can affect both our health and psyche negatively. Malcolm Gladwell’s new book, “Talking to Strangers,” gets at the heart of our prejudices and presuppositions about others. He writes, “When it comes to judgments about our own character and behavior, we are willing to entertain all manner of complexity but when it comes to making those same judgments about others, we are depressingly simplistic.”

Such is the case for Olympic athletes. One would assume that all three medalists would be equally ecstatic. It turns out that silver medalists are the most depressed ones on the podium. They have just missed the gold and their disappointment is much greater than the bronze winner who is thrilled to have medaled at all. Researchers have even shown higher rates of depression among silver medalists. It seems that most of us are victims of ‘counterfactual thinking.’ That is, instead of rejoicing in “what actually is,” we compare our objective achievements to what, “might have been.”

That, of course, is the toughest thing about aging: accepting what is and letting go of what was. Scientists know that what truly ages us is the eventual breakdown of our cells and their ability to repair themselves and divide. Recently researchers from the U of A have discovered that by altering the sleep patterns of cells they may be able to slow down the aging process. For now, though, that aging process is zipping by for most of us. The important thing is to shine in the moment—like Lani, who is 81 years young!!

 

IT’S A NO BRAINER

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choco

Almost two-thirds of the 6 million American’s with Alzheimer’s are women. It was once thought that our longevity was the reason we developed Alzheimer’s more often than men. That belief is now being challenged by scientists who say that we are genetically more disposed to dementias because our brains have more “bridging regions.” Makes sense.  We’re connectors.  However, this puts us at greater risk for the widespread plaques and tangles of amyloid beta, which cause Alzheimer’s.

Brain difference is not the only thing increasing our risk. Hormone replacement therapy may also be adding a new set of dangers.  Several of my girlfriends swear by it.  However, there is growing evidence that it may contribute to dementia and increase our propensity for other female cancers.

What to do?

1. Eat LOTS of fruits and vegetables. According to a study in Sweden, those who eat five servings of fruits and vegetables daily live longer than those who don’t.

2.  Lessen exposure to wireless radiation. Even the FCC suggests putting calls on speakerphone to increase the distance between your phone and your head.

3.  Avoid fried foods. A 24-year study at the University of Iowa shows that women, ages 50- to 65-years have a higher chance of dying from stroke and heart problems if they do.

4.  Eat more fish or take omega-3 fatty acid supplements, especially if your triglyceride levels are high or you suffer from depression or osteoporosis. During a 16-year study, involving more than 180,000 women, researchers found that those who ate fish at least three times a week or took supplements were 35 percent less likely to die of cognitive decline and heart problems.

5.  Don’t eat late at night. The body’s circadian rhythms are coordinated in the hypothalamus, which is the mother lode of stem cells that control how fast we age. According to UCLA researchers, eating late at night also disrupts the daily rhythm of the hippocampus – the brain’s memory center.

6.  Exercise daily! This keeps harmful immune cells out of your brain and diminishes the presence of inflammatory microglia in your hypothalamus. Your body knows— and it shows– if you don’t.

7.  Eat dark chocolate!!! Researchers at Loma Linda University say that consuming chocolate high in cacao (over 70%) causes an increase in the frequency of gamma waves. These reduce stress, improve mood, enhance neuroplasticity and improve cerebral blood flow.  My new motto?  “A square a day keeps dementia away.”  It’s a no brainer.

 

 

 

DEM BONES

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This morning I called my orthopedist for an appointment. My new knee has suddenly begun to swell, the other knee is about to give out altogether and my right hip is making me limp. I’m crumbling as we speak.

“I’d like to schedule an appointment to address a few issues,” I begin.

“Well exactly what, ONE thing do you want to speak to the doctor about?” the receptionist asks me.

“There are three things,” I tell her, “and they’re all connected. You know just like that song, ‘the thigh bone’s connected to the knee bone, the knee bone’s connected to the shin bone  . . .”

She remains unmoved. Perhaps, she’s too young to remember the song? Nope. She’s following her script.

“You need to pick just ONE thing to see the doctor about,” she huffs, “That’s how we plan how long an appointment should take.”

“Are you kidding me?” I query. “So if I break two toes on my foot, he’ll only look at ONE of them? That makes NO sense.”

“I can only book ONE at a time,” she repeats.  “How about just seeing him concerning the swelling in your new knee,” she says, obviously trying to make my choice easier and get me off the phone.

“Fine,” I say, “Book it.”

I hang up, redial the doctor and get another receptionist.

“I’d like to schedule an appointment for my right hip,” I say. “I’ll be bringing it in all by itself.”  She doesn’t get the joke and books me at a different time on a different day.

Yes, I dial a third time and book a third appointment. I’m stunned to go through this bizarre hoop but what other option do I have?  As I’m placed on hold, it occurs to me that three appointments bring in much more money than one. Back in the day, the family doctor could take out your tonsils, your babies and even act as your therapist. Now they’re so specialized it takes a team of them to cover all of your body parts. Go ahead. Add up all your doctors and you might discover that you have enough to field the offense for a football team.

We don’t just have an opioid crisis in America.   We have a crisis of conscience. When I see my doctor tomorrow, he’s not only going to get a piece of my mind, he’s going to get all three of my body parts as well.  Why?  Because THEY’RE ALL CONNECTED!!!

 

 

CARRY ON!

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Mr. Ed

“Hi! I’m Mr. Ed,” my seatmate says to me as we begin a four-hour flight to Phoenix. “Like the talking horse,” he continues. “Remember that TV show?” “Oh, Yes,” I assure him and I do.

 Now I’m a talker. I was constantly scolded for talking in class and my grandmother even nicknamed me, “chatterbox.” However, I was no match for Mr. Ed, who even at 87, manages to fill every, solitary, single second with a burbling fountain of gushing words. But oh, what stories he has to tell!

 Ed signed up for the army at 17 and fought in the famous Chosin reservoir battle. “We were cut off by over 200,000 Chinese. 120 of us went over but only 18 of us came home. The rest froze to death. I took a hat with earmuffs from a dead Chinese soldier. That’s why I made it through those six months.”

 I learn that Ed is one of 13 children and worked for General Motors for 30 years. He’s had both of his knees replaced twice and loves fishing. His wife has Alzheimer’s and is now in a nursing home. “It’s okay she doesn’t know my name,” he confides, “cuz she still knows I’m her husband.”

 Ed laughs at his own stories and so do I.

 “My buddy’s wife didn’t like football. So he sits her down one day to watch his favorite quarterback, Terry Bradshaw. Bradshaw gets sacked. When they show the instant replay, the guy’s wife screams, “Run, sucker run! They’re gonna get you again!!”

 “My body is like one of those old cars you have to push up a hill to jumpstart. Once it starts you gotta keep it going.”

 “I took one of those Selfie things and boy was I shocked! Those wrinkles must just come in the night cuz I sure don’t remember them growing when I’m awake!”

 Mr. Ed also preaches in prisons. Recently, when he told the men that, “God knows the day you will die,” one of the inmates, Big John, said, “So, God knows when I’m gonna die, huh? Well what if I walk in front of a truck right now?” “Don’t worry,” Mr. Ed assured him, “God knows you’re stupid, too!”

 As we part, he says, “Now remember, Chatterbox, the best thing you can do for yourself is what you do for others.” Carry on Mr. Ed!  

 

 

 

   

SUNNY SIDE UP!!!

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Apparently I’m now at the age where no matter what doctor I go to when, there will always be something wrong. Last week I saw the eye doctor: “You have cataracts on both eyes but the right eye is much worse. They’re slow growing so you don’t have to operate yet.” Then I went for my yearly skin exam: “That’s a pre-cancerous lesion on your arm so I’m going to remove it.”   Out came the hypodermic and a razor blade.

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My next stop was the dentist for a routine cleaning. Easy peasy, right?  2 ½ hours later, I left with a very sore mouth. Apparently, there has been a shadow on my x-rays for the last three years, which my previous dentist didn’t catch. A piece of cement from an old crown that had not been removed had led to a gaping pocket and bone loss in my jaw.

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 What next? I can only imagine. Now all of this is quite minor compared to friends who’ve had strokes, cancer or ended up as one pal has with a body-wasting disease. However, it’s not fun so I’ve come to a decision: in between doctor visits I’m going to find as much joy as possible. That means surrounding myself with people who enjoy my company; making others laugh when I can and yes, occasionally doing Tarzan calls on the Pickleball court and beating my chest.

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 I’m also going to be sure that I take in as much beauty as possible. To that end, I went to Trader Joe’s this morning and didn’t buy a single thing. Instead, I took my camera and snapped everything that looked beautiful to my eyes and I’m sharing it here with you. Enjoy!