I’D RATHER BE LONELY ALONE

The World Health Organization says we are presently experiencing a loneliness epidemic. Studies show that men spend seven hours in front of the TV for every hour they spend with someone outside their home. Women with pets spend more time caring for them than in face-to-face contact with companions of their own ilk. Teenagers have fewer ‘real’ friends than in previous generations and spend a third of their day staring at a screen.

As an only child, I spent lots of time alone. There were only four channels on Granny’s black and white TV, and the highlight of my week was going to the library. At home, I mostly entertained myself with a Yo-Yo, a skateboard and a transistor radio. It never once occurred to me that I was lonely. However, I’m concerned for the future of many today who didn’t get my fortunate start.

In this world of constant distraction, sitting with oneself in solitude is difficult. Many of my clients desperately seek connection–and often to their peril. One in his 50s recently moved into his own apartment after spending 16 years in a ‘toxic relationship.’ “It’s so nice not to be disrespected 24/7,” he confides. “Every time I think about going back to her, I’m not sure I want to.” And then? He went back.

My younger clients are equally conflicted. “I should be married by now; all my friends are. What if I never have kids?” Well, so what? If you want kids, there’s adoption, sperm donors and IVF. Marriage is merely a piece of paper pledging your intentions. So be careful what circuits you plug yourself into. Some will give you light and others only a shock. Over time, intentions can change radically.

So, if you fear being alone and feel desperate to connect, try this: Take yourself out for dinner once a week—no phone—until dining alone is second nature not a self-conscious endeavor. This is much harder than it seems and few accomplish the task. Once you’re more comfortable with yourself, you may find the desperation vanishes. Thoreau said, “I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time.” Indeed.