10 TIPS TO LOOKING AND FEELING REALLY OLD

1. Pay cold, hard, cash to look like anyone but yourself: dye your hair, get a hairpiece, inject Botox, have plastic surgery—the works. Then take a good look in the mirror–naked.
2. When you wake up in the morning, pay attention to every single ache and pain—then proceed to medicate.
3. At all costs, do NOT exercise. Why shake things up? Things are already shaky.
4. Don’t clean the house, do laundry or clean out the car. What’s the point? No one’s coming over and you aren’t going anywhere.
5. Whatever you do, don’t strike up conversations with strangers or smile at people you pass on the street. It might lead to something.
6. Don’t shake hands with anyone at anytime. You might get germs.
7. Do not play Jeopardy, work the crosswords, put together a puzzle or anything remotely connected to stimulating your brain.  It will just give you a headache.
8. Absolutely refuse to get or use a computer. They are full of viruses.
9. Do not listen to music, particularly the new stuff. It’s mostly ‘noise’ anyway and there is no reason to keep up with young people.
10. Spend your entire day watching TV and if you do talk to someone, be certain to complain about something.

That should do it.