LOVE? OR SOMETHING LIKE IT?

This is my picture of unconditional love: a dog cruising down the highway with the window open, smiling and waving at everyone who passes. Love is arguably the only feeling that makes you, ‘able to leap tall buildings’ and get weak in the knees at the same time. But it’s ephemeral. Try to hold on too tightly or change it and it vanishes as quickly as it came.

I spend hours listening to clients complain about their partners and can empathize. Living with someone can be less of a cake walk and more of a boulder push. Just ask Sisyphus. So, I ask them, ‘What do you give compared to what you get back?’ If you’re criticized 24/7 and receive zero affection or help with the kids, it’s a lose/lose. But their definition of Love is what matters, not mine.

Mine says that loving someone means wanting what’s best for them even if that does not include you. So, if you feel you have to check your partner’s phone or track them on GPS, you’re not in love. You’re not even in a relationship. You’re in trouble. And the last thing you want is someone else’s partner! Just watch a few episodes of “Dateline,” if you need convincing. 

Yes, there are contented couples married for 50 years, but that has less to do with love and everything to do with connection. Love is wanting to be with someone because they make you feel good about yourself. Time spent with them isn’t just endured. It is cherished. A loveless partnership is a waste of two hearts that could easily find joy elsewhere. 

In 1955, Frank Sinatra had a hit with a song called, “Love and Marriage.“ The lyrics went, ‘Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage,’ but those days are gone. Right now, nearly half the US is single, and that number is rising. One reason is that women are no longer putting up with the old stereotypes. Many have found that solitude can be a sanctuary. Shouldn’t we all move on if those sharing our bed don’t appreciate and accept us as we are?

Katharine Hepburn famously said that, “Men and women should live next door to each other and visit occasionally.” She was on to something. I Corinthians describes Love as, ‘patient, kind, trusting, hoping and persevering.’ That’s all very nice if your partner is on the same page but disastrous if they’re not. Here’s my litmus test: When you see your partner coming, do you roll down the window and smile?