HIGHER THAN A KITE

Lately, I’ve had a plethora of couples come for counseling.  When it comes to frustration with a partner, age, apparently has no limitation.  I have couples who’ve been married from two to 40-plus years.  Interestingly, all of them have these three things in common: 

1.  They think they know each other really well, but definitely do not.

2.  They blame each other for their lack of happiness as if the other is responsible for their happiness in the first place.

3.  They firmly believe that there is a set way that love and romance should unfold.

Let’s be clear:  How long you have known someone does not define how well you know them.  Countless studies show that not only do people change over time but those closest to them are often the last to know.  Why?  Because their minds are fixed on who the other person used to be.  They just don’t see the change.  Partners also become gun-shy over time.  If moments of ‘truth-telling’ failed early on, they eventually just keep quiet. 

As for happiness, no one is responsible for yours but you.  I grew up in the 60’s so my views of marriage came straight from TV shows like, “Andy Griffith” and “Leave it to Beaver.”  And while I have since rejected those stereotypes, I still have the aprons hanging in my pantry as proof.  That archaic world was an artifice that worked for some but fell apart for most.

Fortunately, today’s couples if they’re even coupling, have more latitude, independence, and equality.  What they don’t necessarily have is more imagination.  Many are still prisoners of the rom-com fairy tale.  They believe they can tie themselves to the mast of their love ship and their ‘heart will go on.’  But it won’t.  Relationships are complicated, ever-changing, and usually take a fair amount of work.

My humble advice?  Imagine you and your partner are kites.  To soar, you must keep enough distance between you, so your lines don’t tangle.  Some autonomy is crucial. Otherwise, you’ll crash and burn.  Winston Churchill said, “Kites rise highest against the wind—not with it.”  So, welcome some resistance in a relationship.  However, if your partner doesn’t find you awesome just as you are and gives you their parameters to follow?  Move on.  Someone else will.  Ted Lasso said ‘impossible’ means, ‘I’m possible.’  And you are.