HELP I’M IN THE TUB AND I CAN’T GET OUT!

Look what I just bought myself for Christmas!  Remember that commercial where an old lady was on the floor and said, “Help!  I’ve fallen and I can’t get up?” It used to make me laugh.  Not anymore.

I finally took my first bath in this tiny tub since replacing both my knees. For reference, it is 12” high, 22” wide and 52” long.  Exactly perfect for someone 4’ 4” tall and the width of say, Twiggy.  Let me be more exact:  a flamingo on one leg couldn’t fit in this thing.  Nonetheless, there I was all warm and slippery from bath oil when it was time to get out.

So, I put one hand on the right side of the tub and because the left side is non-existent, braced myself against the wall.  Didn’t budge.  So, I turned and tried to put both hands on the right side to heave myself up.  Nope.  Now look, it’s not like I’m 300 pounds but my avoirdupois is not budging. 

To be clear, I am trying to dead lift all 120 pounds of me up from a 12“height; a height from which I can get zero leverage. It doesn’t help that I pulled my right arm out of its’ socket some years back and it’s still wimpy.  My two, artificial knees, while fine for going forwards, don’t bend well and they sure as heck can’t kneel or contort in this position.  

By this time, the water has drained out of the tub and I am like a slippery eel.  All I can do is slide forwards and backwards, which I actually do a few times just for the heck of it.  But it isn’t fun anymore and now I am getting cold. It occurs to me that next time I’d be wise to bring my cell phone into the bathroom.

Desperate, I flip around.  Now I am facing the back of the tub.  It gives me both a new perspective and renewed sense of hope!  Granted, there is zero difference, only now I am using my left hand to heave myself up and out.  Still a no go.  Finally, I throw one leg over the tub, cowboy style.  I’ll spare you the details.  Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. 

The moral, I imagine, like any good lawyer would tell you is: “Don’t get into something unless you’re certain you can get out.” Happy Holidays!