YIKES!! I’M DISAPPEARING!

I’m a lousy candidate for depression or suicide. Sure, I have my gloomy moments but they never last long. There’s just too much to look forward to. It’s like my brain thinks I might win the lottery even though I haven’t even purchased a ticket!  Now science will tell you that’s because my endocrine system secretes more positive chemicals than negative ones. Science might also say that it’s because I exercise every day and thus increase my endorphins. However, I actually think that it is the creative, if not wacky, way that I think.

 Case in point: Last week, while sitting in the sauna, I stretched out what used to be a long, lean muscled leg and noticed that the skin was slack.  By pressing my hands on either side of my calf, I could actually push it together creating the bellows of an accordion.   Around my thigh, there was a small pooch of hanging skin which resembled a shriveled, turkey breast that wasn’t quite firmly stuffed. Where had the fullness of that muscle gone?  At that moment a young girl walked into the sauna and I shrieked, “Look at this! I’m disappearing from the inside out!” She stood quite still; confused I am certain, as to whether or not she was safe alone with me.

“Look!” I said again, “I can make my calf look like an accordion.”  I demonstrated.  “And, my thigh used to look just like yours but now the muscle has shrunk and there is this cute, sagging sack left behind.” Poor thing was at a loss for words, but she sat down at the far side of the sauna anyway.  I continued my observations: “Not only that, look what happens to your upper arm as you age.” I held out my right arm and poked the loose flesh of the upper part with my pointer finger. It wiggled. “Cool, huh?” I said to her.

 The girl was quiet for a moment then said, “Well, I guess I have something to look forward to.” She did not say this with much enthusiasm.

“Yes you do,” I agreed. “In fact, see all these little, brown spots on the back of my hands and on my arms?”

“Yes,” she replied quite confidently. “Those are old age spots.”

 “Oh, no, dear, you’re wrong,” I assured her. “Actually these are little chocolate drops that appear on your skin as you get older. You see, the more chocolate that you eat when you are young, the more that come up to the surface when you’re old.”

“Guess I’d better cut down on my chocolate,” she finally said with a big smile.