YOU DON’T LISTEN!

In today’s Washington Post, couple’s therapist, Zach Brittle, said there are three words he does not use at home with his wife—”No,” “But” and “You.” Read his stellar advicehere. Similarly, there is a three-word phrase often used by couples in my practice which unequivocally guarantees that anyone hearing it will shut down immediately: “You don’t listen.” (“You” is one of Brittle’s three words.)

When we tell someone they ‘don’t listen,’ we are really saying that they haven’t heard the message we are trying to send. Thus, the real problem is our communication, not their ears. Getting our message across is our responsibility not theirs. Why tell the other person they ‘don’t listen’ just because we didn’t get the response we wanted?

Not only is, “You don’t listen,” negative. It will never inspire mutual communication. Instead, why not say, ‘I don’t think my message was clear. Let me rephrase it.’ It’s such an easy fix and doesn’t denigrate the listener. If you are really intent in getting your point across, repeat your message. That’s far more effective than hurling an insult.

Recently, during one of my couple’s sessions, the wife said to her husband, “You never listen to me.” I stopped her.

“Instead of telling him that he ‘never listens,’ what is it that you want him to hear from you?

“Um, I want him to know that he doesn’t hear me.”

“So, what exactly do you want him to ‘hear?’

She said nothing for a long moment.

“I want him to hear that I’m lonely.”

He looked shocked.

“Have you told him you feel lonely?”

“No.”

Just like we have our own ‘love language,’ we also have our own style of communication. Some thrive with facts and figures, while others resonate better with feelings. Such was the case when I went car shopping. When the first salesman spouted a zillion numbers from engine size to gas mileage, I walked away. When the second emphasized the warm seats, lumbar support, and unobstructed views, I reached for the keys.

Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” sat on our kitchen table in 1965. It was all the rage. Both my mother and stepfather read it but maybe not closely enough because they divorced the same year. Carnegie advised, “Always start a conversation with praise and appreciation.” Couldn’t we all use a little more of that?