SQUABBLE OR SCRABBLE?

Lately, my couples have been going after each other like these quail; their beaks moving fast and furiously to get the last seed— or word— in. Sometimes, I remove myself from the jabber and just listen. Two sentiments between multiple partners have repeated themselves over and over. They bear noting:

1. “You should know… how I feel.”

2. “You never… listen to me.”

Both are huge, red flags in a relationship.

1. No one ‘should know’ how you feel. You need to tell them. If you don’t, they can only speculate. If they speculate, you’re leaving everything up to chance and we all know how that goes. Only you know how you feel and honestly? Sometimes even you don’t know. So don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Tell them how you feel as clearly and kindly as you can. Remember, your feelings are valid, and you have them for a reason.

2. If you start a conversation with, “You never listen,” or “You don’t care,” don’t expect them to listen or care. (‘always’ and ‘never’ are issues as well). Start a conversation by saying what you want to say. Period. Don’t begin by hurling accusations. By the time they stop defending themselves, and they will feel defensive, whatever you were going to say has long been forgotten. It also comes across as whiny and paints you as a victim.

There are two schools of thought about making relationships work. One says conflict is inevitable. The other says conflict is not necessary. It really comes down to the personalities of the two people involved. If one pokes the bear and the bear doesn’t bristle, all is quiet, (though not necessarily happy). If one pokes the bear and it bites, look out. If one tries to force a resolution and the other isn’t ready, sparks will fly, particularly if both feel they’re right.

One thing remains true: if it’s bad in the beginning it rarely gets better with time. Oil will never mix with water. When I was young, I once asked my great-grandmother if she had ever argued with her husband. Since she was a very domineering, opinionated woman, I figured she had lots of them. When she replied, “No, I don’t think so. I can’t remember one,” I was surprised. Then she added, “I think he was just happy with whatever made me happy.”