I hate going to doctors! Hate being poked, prodded and stuck with needles. Hate the smell of hospitals. But today, I forced myself to keep a 5-year overdue appointment with my cardiologist. I knew it would be ignominious so decided to make it fun.
First, I chatted up my fellow patients. Easy, cause this crowd is so old that no one was on their cell phone! I discovered that three of us were scheduled to see the SAME doctor at the SAME time. “Oh, goodie,” I said, “Let’s all go into the exam room together and scare the heck out of him!” They smiled politely and looked back at their magazines.
Finally, a very large, 20-something, male nurse called my name, walked me solemnly down the hall and had me step on the scale.
“Get on with me,” I impIored, “So we can put some real weight on it!”
He declined. So, I stood on it with one leg, held my arms out wide and pretended to be a flamingo. He looked askance, then said, “114 lbs.,” and ushered me straight into the examining room.
“Have you ever had any operations?” he asked.
“Hmm… Well, I’ve had 2 babies.”
“Well, were they C-sections?” he probed as if I were an idiot.
“Not exactly,” I replied, “but they felt like it . . . Oh! I had my tonsils out!”
“What year was that?”
“1902,” I replied confidently.
He typed “1902”. Stopped. Looked at me and finally laughed.
“We need to do an EKG now,” he said.
“I figured as much,” I replied. “So, I didn’t wear a bra.”
“Oh,” he said, “Well, that will make it easier.”
He connected 8 leads from a little device and then hesitated.
“Well, these last two have to go up under your left breast.”
“No worries!” I laughed. “There’s nothing to go up under!”
I would tell you that he blushed, but given his dark skin it was hard to tell.
Finally, the doctor came in, (an hour and a half after my appointment), and asked: “So, are you feeling any palpitations, dizziness, out of breath episodes?”
“Well, yes” I said very seriously. “In the last hour and a half my heart has been racing, I felt a little woozy and when you walked in, my heart fluttered and actually skipped a beat.”
He grinned and said, “Well, I’ve never been told I have that effect on my patients but thank you.”
Worth the price of admission…almost.
Aren’t those maintenance visits so fun. I had my bi-annual physical, mama gram, pap smear, breast exam and a visit to my dental hygienist. Then I was treated to an endoscopy and was asked if I’d scheduled my colonoscopy! What a summer! The nice part was that I didn’t have to wait more than 10 minutes to see any of the doctors, even for endoscopy. I found out later that I could have scheduled the colonoscopy at the same time the doctor did the endoscopy. That seems a bit much. Can you picture that? No don’t. I’m fit as a fiddle. I guess I should be thankful and I am. I’m holding off on the colonoscopy until October or maybe November!
Reblogged this on The Last Furlong and commented:
Enjoyed this. Dentist today for me. How could I make that fun?
Ha! I went to the dentist yesterday….and here is what I always do: when my mouth is open and they get all the instruments in there, I start singing (without words) every song I know……try that….it doesn’t sound pretty but it DOES make the dentist and hygienist giggle. 🙂
This is so cute, Helen! Hope your heart checked out o.k.! Love to you and yours, Doug K. P.S. The right leg looks pretty shapely from the knee down!!!
This was such fun! Love how you did it. Warmest regards, Tasha