AGEFULLY AGING

Inspirational reflections on this and that.

Recent Posts

  • PLANTS GROUND US

    I’ve had my hands in dirt since I was 10 and planted my first cactus garden. It took weeks and multiple thorns in my fingers to complete. When we moved, it was the only thing I was sad to leave. In the years since, I’ve planted bottle brushes in Sarasota, crape myrtles in Nashville, a pine in Seattle, crocus bulbs in Sun Valley, philodendrons in New York, and now a kumquat, Meyer lemon, agave and sunflower garden in Tucson.

    Gardening grounds you and boosts your mental health. It’s hard to feel blue when that first sunflower opens. Watching a seed blossom into something unique is like watching a child become an adult in slow motion. It’s magical. Since pruning is not my forte, I’m inclined to let plants grow where they may, just as I have my own children. Nature knows best. My job is simply to nurture.

    Recently, I had friends over who marveled at my houseplants bounding out of their pots and cascading across the floor. They wanted to know the secret of my ‘green thumb.’ It’s simple. I think of them as sentient and treat them as such. If they’re in plastic pots, they will suffocate. (Nurseries often sell plants in plastic knowing they won’t last). Once I transplant them into bigger, clay pots, I free the roots a bit with a fork, add water, sunshine, and sometimes sing.

    In 1973, Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird wrote, “The Secret Life of Plants,” claiming that plants “had feelings” and “could communicate with other plants.” It was controversial at the time, but later gained scientific credence. Stevie Wonder even wrote the soundtrack for the movie. As someone who’s grown both plants and babies, I don’t need science to tell me that a seed, the embryo of all creation, is a flat out miracle.

    Years ago, I sold a plant that I grew from an avocado seed for $25 on Craig’s List. I thought the man who bought it was nuts. He was in awe.

    “I’ve been trying to grow one of these my whole life,” he confided. “What’s your secret?”

    “Imagine it’s someone you love,” I replied.

    “Give her space to spread her roots. When she’s thirsty add water. If she droops, place her in sunlight. Then? Just love her and hope for the best.”

    In the final line of “Candide” Voltaire writes: “Il faut cultiver le jardin,” meaning “One must tend to ones’ own garden.” He believed we should keep to ourselves and avoid the problems of the world at large. A good message these days, n’est-ce-pas?

  • magical thinking

    I have a friend who cleans his sunglasses with paper money. He swears, “It keeps them cleaner longer.” However, the science says that’s not true. Paper, which is made from wood pulp, scratches lenses. So why is he convinced otherwise? Beats me. What matters is what he thinks—not what is. Neither truth nor science affect our decision making. If you believe your daily horoscope has meaning, it will. You’ll make sure of it.

    What we think determines how we act but there are infinite choices influencing those thoughts. For example, did you know that waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to go back to sleep is a symptom of major depression? It could also mean you have a stomachache, lost your job, broke your leg, sent your firstborn off to college, are over 65—or—that you’re so worried about getting a good nights’ sleep you don’t get one. So which is it?

    Two people can have the same symptom and one thrives while the other goes off the deep end. Like animals, we also make sense of the world through touch, taste, sound and smell. We can even smell fear, just like dogs do. It’s actually contagious! Being around fearful people makes us fearful! This isn’t just a feeling. It is fact. Our brain, our most valuable tool, can also delude us. Subliminal stimuli affect our subconscious, influencing our decisions without our even knowing it!

    Our thoughts determine our health. For example, if you think you can’t sleep through the night because the internet is turned on. If low EMF readings won’t convince you otherwise. If everyone else in your house sleeps fine. You might ask: ‘If the internet effect is negligible, what else could be causing my sleeplessness?’ If you judge that it’s the internet, you risk missing the deeper cause which may be something else altogether.

    For this reason, when clients ask me for answers, I often reply with questions. Questions open the mind. Judgments close it. I’ve learned that what ultimately determines their decisions are their opinions—not mine. Look around and you’ll notice that even deluded people are quite happy living with their delusions. That includes me whose ‘magical thinking’ is legendary.

    In the end, it all comes down to what you think, even when you don’t think you’re thinking or think you’ve got it all figured out. So, give that some thought. OR, rub your head with a $100 bill. It just might help you see more clearly!

  • THE HUNT IS EVERYTHING

    I started collecting shells when I was six. I’ve gathered Conches from Bondi and Volutes from the Great Barrier Reef in Australia, Cowries from Fiji, Scallops from Spain, and Whelks from the Gulf Coast of Florida. There are also Puka shells from the north shore of Oahu (where I almost drowned), Moon snails from Cape Cod and Abalone from La Jolla. Each carries the memory of diving under salt spray waves and abandoning myself to the pull of tides.

    What we collect says a lot about us. Our collections reflect our personality and passions. Sometimes, they stem from a need for control in an uncertain world. They also provide emotional comfort. Research shows that the personality traits associated with collecting are high openness and low neuroticism. Talk to any collector and they’ll tell you: the hunt is everything.

    Novelist Vladimir Nabokov, the author of “Lolita,” collected butterflies. At his death, he had over 4,000 of them. Like his lead character, they were delicate, short-lived beauties. My daughter collects rocks and hotel keys. She’s a world traveler who loves to explore. A friend of mine collects cars, bikes, surfboards and colorful, tennis shoes. He loves to stay in motion. Collecting captures our past so we can behold it in the present. As Faulkner said, “The past is not dead. In fact, it’s not even past.”

    “Our brains are wired to collect things,” says neuroscientist, Daniel Krawczyk. It allows us to create an ordered world, which provides a sense of mastery and control. Collectors are often driven by a desire to reconnect with a happy or secure time in their youth. Their items are tangible links to those memories. My happiest ones include the ocean. Perhaps that’s why I used to tell my children that I was a ‘real mermaid.’

    My mother was a collector, too, only now we call it hoarding. In her final days, she pushed a shopping cart through the streets of Long Island. Inside were plastic bags filled with a broken transistor radio, a flashlight without batteries, putrid clothes, empty lipstick tubes, plastic hairbands, men’s socks, food culled from garbage cans and an umbrella that didn’t open. I used to think it was junk. Only now, do I realize it gave her purpose, comfort and a collection of her own.

  • THE DOORWAY EFFECT

    Yesterday, I was baking cookies and had the foresight to set the timer on my new iphone. 10 minutes later, there was a weird beeping noise which I did not recognize. So, I scoured the house wondering if one of the smoke detectors needed a new battery. Nope. I walked PAST the oven and tried the refrigerator door to see if that alarm had been tripped. Nope. I walked PAST the oven again and headed to my office. There was my phone wildly buzzing. When I picked it up, I was confused. ‘Why on earth had I set an alarm?’

    Despite my negligence, the cookies survived. Such is the stuff of senior moments, which is now officially called, “The Doorway Effect.” However, our mental lapses are not just age driven. Simply having too many unresolved issues in your head can do it as well. Recently, I’ve had to learn three, different computer programs for my business. Yesterday, I was 10 minutes late for clients in Germany because the calendar showed the appointment was an hour later! And that’s just work. Throw in my personal life and my synapses short-circuit!

    You don’t have to cross ‘an event boundary,’ like in the TV show Severance to confuse yourself. If you’re juggling too many balls (the world record is 14) or WWW (Wrestling With Worries), you’re a ripe candidate. I have a plethora of clients under 40 with overwhelming anxiety, depression and sleep issues!! One was distraught because he spent over an hour trying to find a single shoe. The experience made him feel incapable of success. Gosh, we’re hard on ourselves.

    Given my cookie experience, I just took the advice I gave him and tried it myself: Make a list of everything you have to do today. Put a check mark by what you know you can accomplish. Scratch off anything without a checkmark because that belongs for ‘tomorrow.’ Then? List every one of your worries. Put a checkmark by the ones you can control. Scratch off all the others. Your paper should now be blissfully blank. There’s nothing like an empty head to help you think clearly and induce a good night’s sleep. Sweet dreams!

    P. S. That missing shoe fell out of his workout bag in the trunk of his car.

    P. P. S. Welcome new readers in Egypt & China!

  • HAVE I STAYED TOO LONG AT THE FAIR?

    Vince Lombardi famously said, “Winners never quit, and quitters never win.” Turns out that’s not exactly true. Research shows we stay far, too long in our jobs, relationships and friendships and it doesn’t serve us well. It keeps us connected to people that no longer reflect who we are and keeps us away from those who might add to our joy instead of subtracting from it.

    The wife of a couple I worked with complained that her husband so overdid it in a military training exercise that he lost 25% of his body weight, his urine turned brown, and he began hallucinating. He finally withdrew from the program just days before it ended. She was relieved. However, he considered himself ‘a failure’ because he didn’t complete it.

    “Would you have been happier to complete it and end up in the hospital or worse?” I asked him.

    “Yeah,” he replied. “I would have.”

    The wife of another couple was often physically assaulted by her husband of only three years but vowed to remain in the marriage.

    “Why?” I asked her.

    “Because I said, ‘until death do us part.’”

    “So, you plan to stay married to someone who abuses you, until you die?” I asked.

    “I guess,” she answered.

    Winning poker player and psychologist, Annie Duke, says that we don’t quit things soon enough and she may be right. One wonders why we push the same boulder up the mountain like Sisyphus, only to have it fall back down every day. I once stayed in a miserable job for two years as every employee around me was fired. I finally quit—but what took me so long? Honoring my contract.

    My grandmother believed you should always quit something while you were still having fun. Once, we were at the beach and I didn’t want to leave.

    “Please Granny,” I begged. “Can’t we stay just a little bit longer?”

    “No,” she replied. “Let’s leave while you’re still having a good time. That way, you’ll always remember it happily.”

    Quitting is a great skill to master if you can do it. Whether you remain where you are or move on takes courage. You can watch the carousel go round or you can get on and ride it. Only you know what feels right. Barbra Streisand captured the sentiment perfectly in this gem, recorded almost 60 years ago; a gentle reminder that clowns can’t be ‘constantly clever’ and the music won’t ‘play on forever.’

  • A DAY IN THE LIFE

    When I tell you this fellow was the only person who smiled at me in the gym today, I mean the ONLY one. There were at least a hundred people there and not a word of conversation could be heard. Other than some clanging barbells and a few grunts, it was deadly silent! Almost every machine I passed had someone sitting on the equipment, with their ear buds in, just staring at their phones.

    Had I planned to use those machines, I’d be out of luck. Fortunately, I was just there to run up and down the stairs a few times and try the bicep curls (I’m working solely on my left one). As I passed by all those folks, they seemed dazed as if in a stupor. Apparently, we scroll through our phones at least 3 1/2 hours a day! Who has that kind of time to waste? Not me. I lead a very, exciting life!

    How exciting? Well, just this morning, a rattlesnake was hit by a car at the top of my driveway. Later, I watched him get carried off in the beak of a Red-tailed hawk. En route to pickleball, I listened to a podcast about folks who fall in love with their AI chatbots. After lunch, I culled sunflower seeds from the heads of the ones I grew last spring and photographed a bunny in my agave. (Say that fast five times)

    Later, I sang opera while vacuuming and practiced my piano & guitar because you just never know when Carnegie Hall might call. I took a quick swim and met a sweet, old lady. (She likely said the same about me). I saw clients, wrote case notes, then made a spectacular, chicken curry. Afterwards, I worked on another episode of my Netflix series (which Netflix doesn’t know about yet).

    Now it’s time for bed. With a life as breathtaking as mine, there’s no time for staring at an inanimate object. Real people and adventures are everywhere—but you have to look for them. Talk to strangers. Follow a bobcat. (Not too close.) Learn Italian. Otherwise you’ll become as flat and dull as the screen you’re staring at. The fellow above just radiates joy. His biceps aren’t bad either!

    PS. I just figured out how to check my own screen time. Turns out I’m on my phone about 15 minutes a day. . .that was actually a bit longer than I thought.

  • THE UPSIDES OF GOING DOWNHILL

    I’m gonna smack the next person who tells me, “You’re only as old as you feel.” That is the single, stupidest thing I’ve heard in the last 20 years. If you knew how I really felt, you’d wonder how the hell I was still above ground!! AND…on the days when I DO feel young, folks look at me weird…

    That said, I’ve discovered there are a few UPsides of aging:

    1. You look younger from behind. So, I’ve started walking backwards.

    2. You don’t fret about forgetting someone’s name because half the time you can’t recognize their face either.

    3. You never run out of advice to give—and you don’t have to Google any of it.

    4. You don’t have to worry how you look because no one is looking.

    5. You realize that the reason your vision gets worse is so that you think you still look good.

    6. A ‘thong’ is no longer a ‘thing.’ Just sayin’.

    7. You don’t have to worry about ‘running your own race’ because no one else is that far behind!

    8. You’re entitled to a ‘senior’ discount if your car ever gets towed. However, you’ll likely never use it because you won’t remember where you parked.

    9. Store clerks won’t try to sell you spandex or stilettos anymore.

    10. Losing some of your hearing is a blessing. You heard me: IT’S A BLESSING!

    11. You have a long list of strong, young men at your fingertips. This is not because you’re a cougar but because someone has to get that dead squirrel off the roof.

    12. If you start dancing in Costco people will just assume you have Alzheimer’s.

    Dr. Laura Carstensen, director of the Stanford Center for Longevity has studied old folks for years. Recently she was a guest on Shankar Vendantam’s, “Hidden Brain” where she discussed her research about why elders seem to find more joy as they age. Listen in here. Her own backstory is compelling and worth checking out.

    Meanwhile, please share this blog with someone you love. If you don’t love anyone, share it with someone older than you. There are alot of us around.

    P. S. Oh, and and the very, best perk? Feeling free to say “NO” to things (instead of that people-pleasing “Yes”) fills you with unimaginable glee!!!

  • THE WORLD IS TOO MUCH WITH US

    https://open.substack.com/pub/helenhudson/p/the-world-is-too-much-with-us?r=2r4fgs&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false

    FOR READERS WHO HAVE FOUND ME HERE–PLEASE FOLLOW ME TO SUBSTACK:

    https://open.substack.com/pub/helenhudson/p/the-world-is-too-much-with-us?r=2r4fgs&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false

  • DO YOU PREVARICATE?

    Lies come in many colors. While ‘little white lies’ are harmless, others are more nefarious. There are the ‘true blue’ ones which are mostly but not completely true like, “I have horsed around with kids,” which coach Jerry Sandusky said when first accused of child abuse; the ‘red hot,’ ones, like “I can make you 10-20% a year, risk-free,” which Bernie Madoff told his investment clients; and the ‘naive green’ lies, “These are just medical manipulations,” Dr. Larry Nassar assured the gymnasts he sexually abused, sometimes in the presence of their own parents!

    Each of these men fooled others for more than 20 years. What does this tell us? That truth is hard to discern. Even lie detectors can only observe ‘deception,’ not actual lies. A good liar is like a juggler, able to keep one eye on the trajectory of one ball as another is launched upwards. Lying also ignites the brain’s frontal and temporal lobes along with the entire limbic system, giving the liar a dopamine rush. Fortunately, we lie less as we age but that’s because there’s no longer a need to impress or flatter others.

    Bella DePaulo, a psychologist at the University of Virginia, says that lying is simply a condition of life. She found that both men and women lie in “a fifth of their social exchanges lasting 10 or more minutes.” Yikes! Women lie mostly to keep from hurting other people’s feelings. Men lie mostly about themselves. De Paulo says that even the most honest people probably lie at least once a week. It’s just how we’re wired. We lie for gain, to protect ourselves and to avoid painful, awkward situations. For some, lying can become a way of life, but it’s stochastic and hard to pin down.

    Recently a client said to me, “You can tell when people are lying, right?”

    “No,” I replied. “I really can’t.”

    He seemed surprised and almost disappointed. I briefly wondered if he was lying, but it’s not my concern. I am more focused on the truths which I try to help clients uncover in themselves. Sometimes it happens by pulling a single thread. Other times, it involves untangling knots that have lain dormant for years. The truth is always there, though. I figure it’s just waiting to be set free.

  • CLUES DON’T ALWAYS SOLVE THE PUZZLE

    They say you can tell a bit about someone by looking in their icebox. (You can also tell a bit about someone who still uses the word icebox). The author in this link says your fridge speaks volumes about you and can even tell your financial status. Are you a vegan with probiotics and supplements? A meat-eater with only ice cream and vodka in the freezer? Or, is yours filled with only leftovers and condiments from takeout? Take a peek inside.

    Another nifty clue about us is what picture we have on the lock-screen of our phones. It typically reflects what we value. Is it a picture of your pet, partner, possessions or kids? Or, do you have multiple pictures of yourself, like Trump? Even the color of our phones and their cases clues others to our values. Are you a bold red, a cool blue or a wise purple? Check it out.

    For more than a century we’ve also assessed others by their car choices. Are you a wind-in-your-hair kind of convertible? A showy Jag? An economical Subaru? An adventurous Jeep? Maybe you’re even a vintage salvage who rarely leaves the garage, or a collector like Jay Leno. Do you keep your car shiny and spotless or is it a trash-filled clunker? Can you see through your windows? Think of them as your eyes.

    Wardrobe is another clue. The statement, “The clothes make the man,” is found as far back as Homer and was later echoed by Shakespeare. I figure if we’re confident in our own skin, it doesn’t matter what we wear. Clothes can reflect our status, or not. The adage that millionaires dress like paupers is often true because it is a way of not drawing attention to oneself.. What does your mirror show? A baggy slob, an eclectic clotheshorse or a designer’s dream?

    The irony is that no matter how many ‘clues’ the world has in order to better understand us, their assumptions are not always accurate. Others see us only as far as they can see themselves. Recently, a gal I’ve known for years said to me, “When we first met, I thought you were flirty with guys. Now I realize you’re just as flirty with girls.” Of course, I think I’m equally ‘friendly’ with all genders. Just goes to show that all the clues in the world don’t necessarily solve the puzzle.

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