EN GARDE!

These medieval fencers are a regular sight at my local park. Watching them thrust and parry reminds me of lovers quarreling. But here’s the difference: fencers wear protective gear. Lovers have no such protection. When they go at each other, they are often defenseless. And just because men have 25% thicker skin than women does not make them immune to hurt feelings.

Years back, I counseled a middle-aged couple. Both were on their third marriage but had decided NOT to marry this time around. They had lived together for 10 years in her house. She worked but he fully maintained the house inside and out—even repairing the roof and cooking! Neither appeared to have other friends or interests. However, each time they argued, she demanded he, “Get out of my house!”

During our third session, I asked her, “Who is your best friend?”

“He is, I guess.”

“Who has had your back for the last 10 years?”

“Um, he has, I guess.”

“Who maintains the house and cooks your meals?”

“Well, obviously he does,” she said.

“So, why would you constantly threaten the only person in your life who actually cares about you?”

‘Um, I don’t know,” she said sheepishly.

“How do you think that makes him feel?”

“Not good, I guess.”

“You guess? He’s been devoted to you for 10 years, yet every time you get mad you threaten to throw him out.”

I then offered this sage advice:

“Now, you get out of the house and go buy some bubbles with a wand. Next time you’re tempted to tell him, ‘Get out of my house,’ blow them at him instead. Use up the whole damn bottle if you have to.” They laughed. . .and are still together.

A little anger is healthy. It motivates you to take action but it can backfire. In 2017, Heather Heyer was protesting at a white supremacy movement in Charlottesville, Virginia. She had just posted this on her Facebook: “IF YOU’RE NOT ANGRY, YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION!” Within hours, she was run down by a car driven by a white supremacist. She was 32, white, and a paralegal. Her quote went mainstream.

It’s OK to be ticked off, but it’s hard to recover from a stab through the heart. Put some distance between the vitriol and yourself. Remember that whatever is coming at you is not you. It’s them. Here are some other tools for keeping your cool when you get hot under the collar. Whatever you do, keep those bubbles handy. Sometimes I blow them at red lights to lighten the mood.