DO YOU PREVARICATE?

Lies come in many colors. While ‘little white lies’ are harmless, others are more nefarious. There are the ‘true blue’ ones which are mostly but not completely true like, “I have horsed around with kids,” which coach Jerry Sandusky said when first accused of child abuse; the ‘red hot,’ ones, like “I can make you 10-20% a year, risk-free,” which Bernie Madoff told his investment clients; and the ‘naive green’ lies, “These are just medical manipulations,” Dr. Larry Nassar assured the gymnasts he sexually abused, sometimes in the presence of their own parents!

Each of these men fooled others for more than 20 years. What does this tell us? That truth is hard to discern. Even lie detectors can only observe ‘deception,’ not actual lies. A good liar is like a juggler, able to keep one eye on the trajectory of one ball as another is launched upwards. Lying also ignites the brain’s frontal and temporal lobes along with the entire limbic system, giving the liar a dopamine rush. Fortunately, we lie less as we age but that’s because there’s no longer a need to impress or flatter others.

Bella DePaulo, a psychologist at the University of Virginia, says that lying is simply a condition of life. She found that both men and women lie in “a fifth of their social exchanges lasting 10 or more minutes.” Yikes! Women lie mostly to keep from hurting other people’s feelings. Men lie mostly about themselves. De Paulo says that even the most honest people probably lie at least once a week. It’s just how we’re wired. We lie for gain, to protect ourselves and to avoid painful, awkward situations. For some, lying can become a way of life, but it’s stochastic and hard to pin down.

Recently a client said to me, “You can tell when people are lying, right?”

“No,” I replied. “I really can’t.”

He seemed surprised and almost disappointed. I briefly wondered if he was lying, but it’s not my concern. I am more focused on the truths which I try to help clients uncover in themselves. Sometimes it happens by pulling a single thread. Other times, it involves untangling knots that have lain dormant for years. The truth is always there, though. I figure it’s just waiting to be set free.