Like the guy in the Mickey Mouse ears above, I am not afraid to look like an idiot. Just ask last week’s readers from Canada, Nigeria, Czechia, Slovakia, Poland, Pakistan and the Phillipines. I do it so often that I’ve come to view it as a natural stress reliever.
This week, I called one of my clients a ‘dodo head.’ Fortunately, he laughed and said his sister used to call him that, too.
Speaking of the dodo, scientists might be able to bring it back by inserting dodo DNA into a pigeon embryo. The dodo went extinct 300 years ago. That’s what happens when you only lay one egg a year and can’t fly.
I was at a bar over the weekend, watching a quarterback fly across the field on the flatscreen TV. His pass was intercepted by another player and wanting to appear knowledgeable, I said to the guy next to me, “Wow, that tight ass made a great catch!”
“Tight ASS?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said confidently.
“Did you mean tight END?”
Oops.
Well, at least I’m not the new, 27-year-old, White House press secretary. Shouldn’t the spokesperson for the executive branch know the difference between ‘criminal’ and ‘civil?’ When she got snarky with a respected reporter, I thought she was going to grab the cross around her neck and shine it at him.
Speaking of vampires, I had my blood drawn yesterday by a gal with tattoos as far as my eyes could see. I broke out in a cold sweat because anyone covered with that much ink has zero fear of needles. As she jabbed mine in, she said:
“Wow. You smell great!”
“Nice diversion,” I said.
“No, really. You smell good,” she assured me.
Things don’t smell quite right in the Senate confirmation hearings. Seriously, how many countries have a former heroin addict running for Health Secretary who says vaccines cause autism and anti-depressants lead to gun violence? Or a former Fox news anchor as Secretary of Defense? Or a conspiracy theorist as FBI director? And I thought Barnum & Bailey was The Greatest Show on Earth.
Today, I received a junk email from MAGA which said, “You’re on the short list to get a Mamba Holster! It won’t show under your coat!” Don’t I need a gun first?
I’m rethinking AI. Surely it knows the difference between ‘civil’ and ‘criminal,’ understands that vaccines are crucial for World Health and wouldn’t blithely fire hundreds of qualified people and replace them with idiots in clown cars.
On the bright side—and I’m always looking for one—I smell good.
This week’s bonus question: What do you get when you cross a felon with an opportunist, a billionaire, and multiple sexual predators and conspiracy theorists?
Answer next Sunday.
AGEFULLY AGING 
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