OUT OF THE CLOSET

When I was little, my mother used to keep my father’s ashes in a shoebox in the linen closet. Whenever she was angry with me, she would point to the closet and say, “If your father were alive,” and then she would threaten something. One day, I went into that closet, opened the box and found only a bag of dusty dirt inside. At that moment, I realized two things: someday I would be dust, and dust can’t speak for itself.

In the years since, I’ve often been praised for being “authentic,” simply because I let you know who I am. That seems weird because it’s so simple to do. My clients often contort themselves into people they think others want but end up miserable. They try to be someone they’re not in order to attract someone who isn’t their self either. They would rather fake orgasms than have them. That seems weird, too.

Being yourself is a bit like coming out of the closet. Some never take the risk because they are afraid to suffer pain, either real or imagined. They’d rather stand naked in Times Square than share themselves. They’re afraid to tell you how they feel because they are afraid to feel. Me? I want to feel everything. Today I stuck my hand smack into a plant I’d never seen before and ended up with a thorn in my finger. SO WHAT? I’ll remember how it felt.

I once had a client who hit himself whenever he did something he perceived to be ‘wrong.’ He often appeared with self-inflicted black eyes. I wouldn’t dream of being that hard on myself. I am flawed and riddled with contradictions but SO WHAT? That’s who I AM! Besides, studies show that people with higher self-compassion tend to have higher authenticity. It also makes them more optimistic.

ChatGPT agrees: “Being authentic means showing up in the world without pretense, and embracing one’s uniqueness, even if it goes against social expectations or pressures. Authenticity can be challenging because it requires courage to stand firm in who you are, especially when it feels like others might judge or reject you. However, it can also lead to deeper connections with others and a stronger sense of fulfillment in life.”

So, next time you’re tempted to censor your ‘true’ self, fight the urge. You can’t blaze a trail in a shoebox.