TROUBLE WITH A little ‘t’

I think we should spend less time putting warning labels on products and redirect them onto people. Wouldn’t it be nice if you were out somewhere and someone walked up with a shirt that said, “Caution.  Do not engage this guy in conversation.  He’s never read a book?”  Mine would say, “Be careful what you ask her.  No telling what might come out of her mouth.”

Such was the case when I spied the above product at the supermarket.  Cornering the stock boy, I held up the carton and said, “You know, I’ve milked a cow and a goat but how on earth do you milk a cashew?”  The poor kid just looked at the label then at me, u‘dd’erly speechless. 

Later, at the dermatologist for my annual skin check, I had no intention of saying what I did.  It just popped out, (like my anatomy from the paper gown).  As I stood there stark, raving naked, he turned on his overhead MGM Grand spotlight.  Then he examined every inch of me under a monster-sized magnifying glass.  While thusly displayed and in front of his new nurse no less, he casually asked, “So, what have you been up to this summer?”

At awkward moments like these, any question jolts you.  It’s like when the gynecologist turns the light on with his head between your legs and decides now is the time to make small talk.  

“Well,” I replied seriously, “I’ve been thinking of entering, “America’s Next Top Model.”  Do you think I have a shot?” 

His nurse looked as startled as if she’d just spotted a rare, zoo animal.

He laughed. 

‘I’m taking that as a ‘No,’ “I said, feigning disappointment.

Science says that if we’re in a brain state long enough, it actually changes how we think.  Perhaps I’m listening to too much comedy?  Because when someone in our pickleball group brought up porn, I said that I’d never seen any.  The incredulous look of disbelief on everyone’s face made me feel that I might just be in the minority.  Not wanting to appear too odd, I quickly added, “Well, why would I wanna watch other people do something that I can already do myself?”  A bold statement considering I had no idea what I was talking about.

There are worse things, I suppose.  I could be in charge of writing warning labels on people.  Now THAT would be trouble.